I’ve managed to survive today. Even though moving, breathing, and any other activity causes exceptional abdominal pain and or, discomfort.
Tried eating, kept it down, but have spent the rest of the day running to the bathroom. Now I am in nauseated sleep deprivation.
Next time I say my life is shit bc my phone dropped a call on the professor that determines if I graduate I’ll remember it wasn’t. But, it can be. In other news… I DON’T FEEL GOOD…. At all…

I don’t really write about myself too much. It’s probably a habit I’ve developed on the path to shaky self confidence, but I find myself faced with a choice so big, I must blog about it. For some, whoever reads this I mean, may look and say that this doesn’t at all seem like a very big decision, and maybe it isn’t, I’m just one of those people who is horrible at deciding.

Here’s the story, I am very lucky in life and family. Sometimes I forget this as a lackadaisically wonder through my life. But in point, I have a college fund and I am facing graduation. I should (famous last words) graduate at the end of this semester with 2 BAs, one in English and one in History. Which I consider a great triumph and almost making up for the fact that I have been a college student for six years. Double majoring was probably the easiest decision I’ve ever made. I was a History major, English minor, but found myself enjoying English so much more than History. So I decided, instead of losing hours why not get 2 degrees? Simple enough of a choice that has lead me to an inner debate that is raging in brain, very loudly I might add. 

With the 2 Bachelors degrees in hand my next plan would be to take teaching certification tests as well as the required workshops etc, that teachers must do. Because in my six years at college I do know that I really, REALLY hate education courses, I was going to go through a four month alternative program and not waste my time. This is where the rub comes in, for those of you still reading. I could continue and end up a high school teacher, of English or History and be quite dandy as that was my original plan. But the fund that has paid for my education has room for me to take 30 more credit hours. An M.A. requires thirty-six at the university I’m attending. So the  question was posed to me this weekend, “Why don’t you just continue and go to grad school?” my mom asked. I responded with the average retort you can expect from some one who has gone to school their entire life, “Because I’m so sick of *expletive* school.” She watered the seed that was planted in my head when I decided I love English. That I wanted a Masters in English. With the next response from my mother she deftly explained that if I do not use all the hours left in my college fund, they would no longer apply, and I would essentially lose them, and if I got a hankering of some kind to pursue a masters later, it would be out of my own pocket. 

Anyone who is still reading, I’m sure you can only guess what my dilemma might be. To join the work force now and accept that 2 Bachelor’s Degrees are pretty good and be content with what I have, or do as my mother (who thinks I”m brilliant because honestly who’s mother doesn’t think their child is not?) and two of my English professors think I should do. I was given two guarantees for recommendation letters today, in which these alarmingly smart teachers explained that I was intelligent, and eloquent and would fit right in with the graduate program.  For those of you with me I think you, like me, can see the obvious choice, why not try grad school. I have two words that I never thought I would say. I’m scared. Scared that I cannot perform, that I am not smart enough, and that I will fail. Not only will I fail at getting a Masters I will have wasted two years of my life with even more school which I am so sick of I could scratch out my eyeballs. The thing staring me in the face at the moment is the tab in which I’m looking at information for the GRE. Because if I don’t do well on the GRE I can kiss a TA position good bye as well as grad school, and the hopes of becoming something more than a high school English teacher. (not that it isn’t the noble profession I’ve considered for the passed four years.) With a Masters degree I would finally feel like I could be a writer, a creator, an artist. Because I’m sure I have a book or two in this stuffed and sheltered brain of mine, I just have no credentials to feel like I should back it up. 

Lamely enough this blog, I think is telling me what I need to do. I will post a follow up on whether or not I apply to grad school. But, admitting I’m scared is something right?